Dating with an open mind doesn't work

Break free from bad dating advice and trust your instincts instead - your mental health will thank you

People who don’t have to do online dating assume it’s lots of fun. Their faces light up when you talk about it, they say they’re so excited for you, they ask to see pictures of people you’re talking to online… Then, they give you the tyranny of all connection: some unsolicited advice. There’s a whole host of stupid things people say when talking about dating (or anything else for that matter), but the one bugbear I have is the advice to ‘keep an open mind’. Suddenly single after a horrid break-up and dating at 35, I thought I might try this open-minded thing and it turned out to be a terrible mistake.

Here’s where keeping an open mind has got me so far: The guy who was indecisive and low energy when planning the date turned out to have the same attitude to his life which did not make for an enjoyable evening. The one I knew I wouldn’t fancy from his pictures I… didn’t fancy in real life. The one who was overtly sexual in his messages lunged at me to try and kiss me within minutes of us meeting turned out to be as inappropriate in real life as he was over text. I’d wanted to cancel each of these dates before going on them and regretted not listening to my intuition.

I’m a fan of dating apps – you meet people who you never normally would and I’d really struggle if meeting people in real life was my only option. However, the reality of online dating is that you’re sifting through a pool of strangers and the internet is full of weirdos.

As a single woman looking for love in her mid-thirties, I feel like I’m expected to settle before dating has even begun. The advice to ‘keep an open mind’ has a whiff of a scarcity mindset: that I have to settle for less because the men available to me are few and far between. However, an abundance mindset teaches us to listen to those warning signs, save ourselves time and move on to meet someone else.

The reality of online dating is you’re sifting through a pool of strangers and the internet is full of weirdos.

What’s rarely, if ever, talked about is how bad online dating can be for our mental health. If a friend is doing app dating, you shouldn’t act all giddy and excited for them, but ask them if they’re ok. Dating burnout is a real thing. I can’t bear to think about what I could be doing and creating if I didn’t have to spend so much time doing the admin of the apps.

It’s also emotionally draining as you navigate the disillusionments and disappointments of dating. Your ego often takes a battering. People on the internet can say horrible things to you: you can be home alone, get an uncomfortable message and feel unsafe. Of course, dating can be fun and exciting, but until that time, my less-than-open mind is working out well for me.  

One of the things I’m working on through therapy after my last relationship is trusting myself instead of relying on external opinions to make decisions. I’ve now battened down the hatches and don’t speak to as many people about my dating life as I did previously. I still sometimes seek counsel, as old habits die hard – but I’m grateful to those friends who tell me that it’s ok to cancel on a date if I’m not feeling it. It shows that they’re listening to me and have genuine care and respect for my feelings and my time.

The reality of dating in 2023 is that a lot of it happens while sitting at home. Time I’m not on bad dates is time I can spend swiping to find someone better. Since I’ve shifted out of the open mind, I’ve been cancelling dates with wholehearted frequency and have no regrets.

I’ve cancelled on people who’ve asked me to come to their area because they’re too lazy to travel and then cheekily asked me to pick the place. I’ve cancelled on dates that suggested we meet at All Bar One and other shitty places (I should add that if I fancied the person, I’d happily travel to a McDonald’s in South London to meet them). I’ve said NO THANK YOU to people who’ve asked to meet late at night in a park or at their flats, claiming they have a good rooftop for drinks - No one in London has a rooftop that’s that good - this isn’t Williamsburg.

I’ve changed my mind about people who look very different (and worse) in their WhatsApp pictures versus their dating profiles. People I know that I won’t like, won’t fancy or irritate me in some way, I cancel on. I don’t owe any of these people anything and I’m free to cancel or stop talking to people whenever I want.

I think of online dating as like a sales job. I have a sales job in recruitment and I’m pretty good at it. I’m not good at it because I convince people to take a job they don’t want, I’m good because I can quickly filter out who’s a match and who isn’t by listening well and quickly moving on if someone isn’t right. The trick in sales and in dating is to keep going to find your people and to fill ‘the top of the funnel’ until you do so. Eventually, in recruitment, I find the right person and I’m sure it’ll one day soon be true of my dating life, too.

That resilience to keep going is as important in sales as it is in dating. I was hiring salespeople for a company recently and one of the questions I asked is how they manage to stay positive in a sales environment. Salespeople handle a lot of nos and rejections and need to stay upbeat in the meantime. The candidates said what is true for me too: they look after their mental health, exercise regularly and know that you just have to keep going. Dating is the same.  

Of course, there’s some nuance to it. Taking breaks from dating can be good for your mental health too. Accepting that at times when I am overly closeminded, it may mean that I’m not ready or in the mood to date after all. It’s a constant balance between feeling unstuck by maintaining momentum and progress, while looking after yourself and resting when you need to. Being selective and filtering out people in the early stages can help with maintaining that balance.

If someone is negative in their chat, makes me feel funny in any way or doesn’t match my energy, enthusiasm or engagement, I move on to the next person. I’m building confidence in other areas of my life so that I’m not overly reliant on validation from strangers online to feel good about myself.

Whenever I’ve cancelled a date, I’ve stayed home and managed to schedule one with someone I’m more excited about. I am holding my head high, maintaining my standards and keeping going to fill the top of that funnel. I remember that finding love feels hard until it happens and then it feels easy. And if I keep going, and keep remembering that my mental health always comes first, then perhaps I’ll meet someone and dating will be fun after all.

Liked this? Try Dear Tiff: How do I get dates from dating apps? : Meeting someone IRL is harder in your thirties… but I find the apps infuriating. How can I make the most of them and secure meet-ups?