Dear Tiff: How do I get dates from dating apps?
Meeting someone IRL is harder in your thirties… but I find the apps infuriating. How can I make the most of them and secure meet-ups?
Dear Tiff,
I wanted to ask what you think about dating apps and how to make the most of them.
I'm single and have been for a few years. I'm not unhappy about it but I would like to meet new people, have some fun, do some flirting and potentially see where things could lead.
The problem is that I find dating apps baffling and infuriating. I'm yet to have been asked out by a single guy and when I have asked myself, I have either been ghosted or told 'I don't know what I want.' The one who said the latter talked to me for six months during the pandemic before saying that.
How do you actually get dates? I hate the chatting stage. It feels so awkward. I'm not looking for a pen pal and I've also always felt like I come across much better in real life. People usually start fancying me when they get to know me in person. I met all my ex-boyfriends in real life, either because they were already friends or friends of friends or they were work colleagues or I met them in the pub.
Have you got any advice for raising my confidence on dating apps and how to actually secure an in person meet up. Or perhaps I should stick to trying to meet men in real life as it has worked for me before although that feels harder in your 30s...
Looking forward to hearing from you.
Thank you!
Flirtatious Gal
Dear Flirtatious Gal,
I’m back on the apps after my break-up and yep, there are some seriously bad vibes around them now. I downloaded Hinge and had to answer a billion different questions about myself and what I’m looking for and it had serious job application energy. Then, you’re exposed to all the rubbish people out there while sitting in your living room. So I get it, I really do. But you have two options: you opt out of them completely OR you embrace them and learn how to use them to your advantage. There’s no half-way, half-arsed, half-invested way to make the most of the apps. Yes, the proliferation of the apps has changed the game - and it is a game - the apps are designed to give you the same addictive dopamine hits as the likes of betting and social media companies. BUT the question is - how do you play it and come out a winner?
The thing is, as with everything in life, you get out what you put in. Hate the apps and they’ll hate you back. Meeting someone IRL is still a lot of work. You have to look good whenever you leave the house, accept all party invites, linger around bookshops and sit next to hotties in cafes and hope that they’re single. I don’t like the pressure of it. Sometimes, I just want to talk to my mate in the pub, go home and swipe on the apps.
The trick to beating the game is separating ourselves and our worth from our dating profiles. Don’t get validation from likes and matches, just as anyone disappearing, unmatching or not liking you back shouldn’t make you insecure. You are so much more than a handful of photos and answers to prompts, so don’t become attached to how someone responds to those things. The highs and lows and ego-validatory dopamine hits don’t serve your purpose. Save the ego massaging for when you’re flirting with someone IRL.
The problem I see over and over again is that people get too attached in the chatting stage. The way to get more dates is to FILTER. It’s not ‘the chatting stage’, but ‘the filter stage’. Your job at this stage is to filter through and get past the horrible, time-wasting, neggy, negative bad energy people as quickly as you can. Send profiles to friends if you’re not sure about someone’s vibe from their profile (please, only to friends with solid app experience). Over time, you’ll train yourself to read profiles and messages critically: it’ll become instinctive.
When you match and start chatting, be present in the conversation and allow for a live back and forth. Matches convert into dates usually during a live conversation and it should happen within 20 or 30 minutes. If they don’t seem weird and you’re excited to meet them, then suggest a date. Although, I prefer it when they suggest it first, because it shows me that they’re proactive and dedicated to the dating process (nothing to do with ME but THE PROCESS). I want to meet someone who wants the same things as me - not a dopamine-hunting vampire who’s just there for their own ego boost. If the chat lasts too long and no date is scheduled or you get a weird vibe, then peace out. Unmatch, put your TV back on and get on with your life and know that THIS IS NOT GHOSTING.
The language of ‘ghosting’ when we’re chatting on the apps gives the person we’re talking to too much status in our lives. If you’ve not met yet, you don’t owe each other anything. I peace out on chats and matches all the time and encourage you to do the same. A guy has just messaged me saying ‘Oi’ - he had some other suspect items on his profile so he’s out. Am I going to respond? NO. I have better stuff to do. People are allowed to not reply to us and we can do the same to preserve our energy. Who cares, we’ll be chatting to someone else soon. I’m sure I have great chat ;), yet four times out of five, the conversation goes nowhere. Some people vibe, others don’t. You only truly know when you meet someone IRL if the chemistry is there. Rarely, if ever, is there a connection between how good the initial text chat is with the IRL sizzle. It’s completely random, so chatting for someone for too long is pointless. (Note: any actions or activity during lockdowns are forgiven, we’d all lost our minds).
You find chatting on the apps awkward because yes, it is. But lean into it. Here’s the key to flirting on dating apps: talk utter nonsense. Not ‘hey, how’s your day?’ or ‘What’s your job?’ SNORE. Pick up on something from their profile and make a joke or ask about it. Or ask anything: where they’re taking you on your first date, what their favourite condiment or mode of transport is. Be a bit cringe, who cares. No one is looking. Use the winki emoji 😉 and type ‘lol’. The purpose is to flirt and talk nonsense until a date is scheduled. You can ask them the real questions when you meet and you know if you care about the answers. If you schedule a date then PLEASE AVOID CHAT IN THE BUILD UP TO THE DATE. You have a life to lead and this creates too much hype and investment in one person.
We’re told to have an open mind when on dating apps, which is very confusing. By all means, think about what you wouldn’t mind if you liked and met someone IRL and try to ignore the endless list of requirements the apps ask you to fill out. But this doesn’t mean lower your standards. You have to WANT to go on the date that’s scheduled. You have to believe that this could be a nice person to have a drink with, NOT ‘the one’, just someone to have a nice conversation with. That’s all your looking for at this stage.
Confidence is so often misunderstood. It’s not something we spontaneously have or don’t have. The key to building confidence is to do the thing and keep doing the thing until you get good at it. You will fail, you’ll cringe and you’ll make mistakes. But care enough to do the apps properly and you’ll build competence and confidence will follow. Build a life that you love that gives you confidence beyond the apps. This will also help you resist the urge of the ego-driven addictive dopamine hit cycle. Keep going and you’ll get better at chat flirting ;) and, over time, you’ll be like: ‘Oh the apps aren’t so bad, I got this’...probably around the time when you meet someone and won’t need to use them anymore.
You’re clearly a very special person (you subscribe to this newsletter!) and I love that your zest for life means that you want to meet some sexy people and get out there and flirt. Your existence is a gift to the world and the apps are simply a tool to help you share it with people you haven’t met yet. Enjoy it! Life is what we’re living now and there is no end destination. Well, aside from maybe a little jaunt out the house to have a nice flirt with someone lol 😉
With love,
Tiff x
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Dear Tiff: How do I get dates from dating apps?
Such good advice!!! I'd also add: don't think of the first date as a date. It's a chemistry read. Like you say, the chatting should be kept to a minimum as a way to filter. The same goes for that first meeting - it's not a date, a pre-arranged opportunity to meet a fellow single person to see if you fancy them.
Thank you SO much - this was fascinating and really helpful. I met my ex at uni years ago and so have never tried the apps and have been terrified if truth be told. But hanging around cafes hoping that the guy opposite me might be single is not working! X