"We deserve men who approach life with joy and want to co-create with us." Yes! to this. Shamefully the idea of co-creation is new to me, I've always just thought you meet someone who wants most of the things you want and then you let go of the things that you want but they don't... apparently this isn't how it works, who knew?! Enjoy your tree, you deserve it xxx
This is the quote that got me too...I’m in my 40’s, married for years and this also resonates so much. Tiff, I absolutely inhaled every sentence of this. When do we start doing this? Why do we go on doing it? Love to you and your sparkling tree 🎄
Thank you so much for this post. I left a coercive control situation last year and my ex had so many "oh no, we can't do that" things, or objections to how I spent my own money. It took me many years to realise that I did not have an equal voice in my relationship or how wrong that was.
You have nothing to be ashamed of in how you were treated. So often, women get trapped between our societal conditioning to be endlessly accommodating and make others comfortable, and the sense that we're somehow failing at feminism if we don't manage to stand up to men who practice controlling behaviours in our relationships.
In the end, our relationships should not be places where we have to constantly stand up to our partner, and the fact your ex wouldn't even let you have a Christmas tree as a focal point of joy and light in the home says far more about him than it ever could about you.
Oh my goodness, yes. Thank you for being so open and vulnerable about your experiences, Tiffany. These are the conversations that we yearn to be having more of. What you said about highly functional, self-actualized women is spot on. It reminds me of something I just read on Jess Pan's Substack:
Walter has started dating again, and Walter is apparently an extremely hot commodity on dating apps because he’s a straight, nice man in his thirties who reads books and hasn’t been to prison. (The bar for men is so low.) from: https://jesspan.substack.com/p/sorry-im-late-my-friend-has-a-hot
"He was very into ethics for someone who ultimately did something so unethical towards me." LMAO aren't they all? Love how you're stepping more into yourself and your power every day Tiffany! Happy Christmas!
Great piece! Exactly my experience, but not just with a boyfriend, I also married the guy. I shrank myself until my true self couldn't breathe and I popped out and away. 😊 Enjoy your well deserved Christmas tree!
Hi Tiff, it's me again, your self-appointed Italian bestie. I am so glad your xmas tree energy exists because it compensates for mine. I am the girl who doesn't want a tree in the house, not because of moral or environment principles, but because only bad things happen on and around Christmas. I knew that, and then I made myself smaller and I allowed a new partner and a tree in my home. It was nice for a bit, and said tree became a shining light in the darkness. Quite literally! Not long after, the partner, along with my shared-house's living-room light-bulb fizzled out, leaving me and my flatmates with a lit up tree as only source of light for the good part of a year. Until one day, after several failed attempts at replacing both boyfriend and light-bulb, "someone" ( !! ) stole my Christmas tree. I know exactly who, and she is in my top list of sworn enemies. If this is not a villain origin story, I don't know what is. You take care of yourself and your tree, don't let her steal it.
Just yes to ALL of this. And yes to your amazing, beautiful little tree and the light it brings you. There have been so many times I wished I had a Time Machine to go back to myself at 18, and give my younger self the strength I needed to leave an awful relationship. 100% it is wayyyyy better to be single than to be in a bad relationship. ❤️👏🏻🎄
Thank you for sharing! In many ways I could relate , I divorced this year and the majority of my marriage I shrunk myself to fit. I barely ever decorated our home because I felt like and outsider at times. Now in my own apartment, it’s decorated so beautifully and I love every single part of my home.
The image of you getting your tree was so warming for me to read. I especially love this line “Step inside my home now and you’ll see a different truth. I’ve built a home, untethered from a man with nice lighting.” I’ve been married for 3 years and met my wife 7 years ago / I use to be a grinch. I’m grateful, this year we are spending our first Christmas in our new home with our little one. I admit, I complained about getting this tree that cost a lot. But I see the joy it brings her. I’m grateful for the joy she brings. Anyway, this just reminded me of her. Thank you for your vulnerability.
No more complaining lol! Take this newsletter as a warning. You sound lovely though and glad you're having a lovely Christmas in your new home with your family. Big love!
So damn happy you have your tree and don’t have to shrink or settle. Yes indeed, we shrink ourselves for men when we know how intimidating our brilliance and beauty is to them.
There really are few who can hold and revere the magnificence of a woman who knows her worth.
💯 interestingly was speaking to someone last night who was a bit aware of how long they'd been single and I pointed out they made better decisions than me more quickly - I should have dumped this guy years ago so actually she should be proud not to have done what I did. ✨
I mean, no - everything has its time and we can't beat ourselves up about these things! but having been single for a whole bunch of years now, I can say it's definitelyyyyy better to be single than to be in any kind of shrinking relationship! For me now, it's either they add to me and my life in some way or they fuck off. Being "single" is not a bad thing and absolutely not the worst possible outcome lol. It's in part the fear of that that keeps people in bad situations for so long. I hope we can collectively continue to debunk this idea xx
"But no matter how hard dating may be or how long until I find someone, I assure you, it’s worse to stay in a bad relationship. I’m living the life I shrunk myself to avoid and it’s a good one." Thank you for this. I echo all the women here. Same. Same. Same. ❤️
I see that little birdie flying high on that tree and it makes me excited for your newfound freedom. You deserve a love that is honest and kind . Thank you for this piece.
"We deserve men who approach life with joy and want to co-create with us." Yes! to this. Shamefully the idea of co-creation is new to me, I've always just thought you meet someone who wants most of the things you want and then you let go of the things that you want but they don't... apparently this isn't how it works, who knew?! Enjoy your tree, you deserve it xxx
Yes no one tell us these things! I am learning the lessons the hard way. Thank you for the tree love 😘😗
This is the quote that got me too...I’m in my 40’s, married for years and this also resonates so much. Tiff, I absolutely inhaled every sentence of this. When do we start doing this? Why do we go on doing it? Love to you and your sparkling tree 🎄
Oh these are big questions that all come from a little tree x
Thank you so much for this post. I left a coercive control situation last year and my ex had so many "oh no, we can't do that" things, or objections to how I spent my own money. It took me many years to realise that I did not have an equal voice in my relationship or how wrong that was.
You have nothing to be ashamed of in how you were treated. So often, women get trapped between our societal conditioning to be endlessly accommodating and make others comfortable, and the sense that we're somehow failing at feminism if we don't manage to stand up to men who practice controlling behaviours in our relationships.
In the end, our relationships should not be places where we have to constantly stand up to our partner, and the fact your ex wouldn't even let you have a Christmas tree as a focal point of joy and light in the home says far more about him than it ever could about you.
Absolutely and thank you for sharing your story too. Sending you love x
Oh my goodness, yes. Thank you for being so open and vulnerable about your experiences, Tiffany. These are the conversations that we yearn to be having more of. What you said about highly functional, self-actualized women is spot on. It reminds me of something I just read on Jess Pan's Substack:
Walter has started dating again, and Walter is apparently an extremely hot commodity on dating apps because he’s a straight, nice man in his thirties who reads books and hasn’t been to prison. (The bar for men is so low.) from: https://jesspan.substack.com/p/sorry-im-late-my-friend-has-a-hot
Cue the eye roll.
Jess knows what's what! Such a pleasure to share and thank you ❤️
"He was very into ethics for someone who ultimately did something so unethical towards me." LMAO aren't they all? Love how you're stepping more into yourself and your power every day Tiffany! Happy Christmas!
Oh thank you Jillian ☺️ happy Christmas to you too 🥳
Great piece! Exactly my experience, but not just with a boyfriend, I also married the guy. I shrank myself until my true self couldn't breathe and I popped out and away. 😊 Enjoy your well deserved Christmas tree!
Thank you!
Hi Tiff, it's me again, your self-appointed Italian bestie. I am so glad your xmas tree energy exists because it compensates for mine. I am the girl who doesn't want a tree in the house, not because of moral or environment principles, but because only bad things happen on and around Christmas. I knew that, and then I made myself smaller and I allowed a new partner and a tree in my home. It was nice for a bit, and said tree became a shining light in the darkness. Quite literally! Not long after, the partner, along with my shared-house's living-room light-bulb fizzled out, leaving me and my flatmates with a lit up tree as only source of light for the good part of a year. Until one day, after several failed attempts at replacing both boyfriend and light-bulb, "someone" ( !! ) stole my Christmas tree. I know exactly who, and she is in my top list of sworn enemies. If this is not a villain origin story, I don't know what is. You take care of yourself and your tree, don't let her steal it.
Gosh what a tale! A stolen tree!
Just yes to ALL of this. And yes to your amazing, beautiful little tree and the light it brings you. There have been so many times I wished I had a Time Machine to go back to myself at 18, and give my younger self the strength I needed to leave an awful relationship. 100% it is wayyyyy better to be single than to be in a bad relationship. ❤️👏🏻🎄
Amen! We must spread the word 🙂❤️
Thank you for sharing! In many ways I could relate , I divorced this year and the majority of my marriage I shrunk myself to fit. I barely ever decorated our home because I felt like and outsider at times. Now in my own apartment, it’s decorated so beautifully and I love every single part of my home.
Oh congratulations to you and your beautiful home ❣️
The image of you getting your tree was so warming for me to read. I especially love this line “Step inside my home now and you’ll see a different truth. I’ve built a home, untethered from a man with nice lighting.” I’ve been married for 3 years and met my wife 7 years ago / I use to be a grinch. I’m grateful, this year we are spending our first Christmas in our new home with our little one. I admit, I complained about getting this tree that cost a lot. But I see the joy it brings her. I’m grateful for the joy she brings. Anyway, this just reminded me of her. Thank you for your vulnerability.
No more complaining lol! Take this newsletter as a warning. You sound lovely though and glad you're having a lovely Christmas in your new home with your family. Big love!
Warning taken! This post actually inspired some parts of my next letter to my son, so thank you again.
Oh I look forward to reading that! How special ❤️
So damn happy you have your tree and don’t have to shrink or settle. Yes indeed, we shrink ourselves for men when we know how intimidating our brilliance and beauty is to them.
There really are few who can hold and revere the magnificence of a woman who knows her worth.
Truth truth. But never again will I let my magic fade for no man ✨🪄
"People worry so much about single people, but they should worry about people who might be shrinking themselves in relationships." - ABSOLUTELY!!!!
💯 interestingly was speaking to someone last night who was a bit aware of how long they'd been single and I pointed out they made better decisions than me more quickly - I should have dumped this guy years ago so actually she should be proud not to have done what I did. ✨
I mean, no - everything has its time and we can't beat ourselves up about these things! but having been single for a whole bunch of years now, I can say it's definitelyyyyy better to be single than to be in any kind of shrinking relationship! For me now, it's either they add to me and my life in some way or they fuck off. Being "single" is not a bad thing and absolutely not the worst possible outcome lol. It's in part the fear of that that keeps people in bad situations for so long. I hope we can collectively continue to debunk this idea xx
So so true ❤️ we can try!!!
"But no matter how hard dating may be or how long until I find someone, I assure you, it’s worse to stay in a bad relationship. I’m living the life I shrunk myself to avoid and it’s a good one." Thank you for this. I echo all the women here. Same. Same. Same. ❤️
'Same. Same. Same. ❤️' Oh this means A LOT so thank you!
Love love love this. Thanks Tiff x
That means lots, thanks Becky!
I loved this post and reading your story. I can relate on so many parts, including the tree.
Also got myself a tree and oh the sparkles and joy it brought to my life! 🎄
Hooray for us and our trees. Big love 😘
I feel so seen 😭 a huge thank you from me and my first tree
That means a lot.🥹❤️ Big love.to.you and your tree
I see that little birdie flying high on that tree and it makes me excited for your newfound freedom. You deserve a love that is honest and kind . Thank you for this piece.
Thank you ❤️🥹