"Something happens to you when you bend and shape yourself and suppress your own desires. A part of me had surrendered to the other person’s rhythm. I wanted more, but I’d seek clues that this was enough and that our relationship was progressing."
This hits. And it's so sneaky ... I think women, especially, are more susceptible to being the ones to bend and shape and suppress within the structure and dynamic of relationships (particularly romantic cisgendered, heterosexual ones). I find myself grappling with a similar struggle, that of not wanting to lose myself, in my own marriage—one that I'm currently working through independently and with my partner.
You can do ... and have done, and did! ... hard things. <3
I'm so proud of how much you love yourself. Never lose yourself indeed. You've made the choice to put you first, to commit to you, to love YOU enough. Some people never do this, and you did it in a flash. I know working through tough feelings won't be nearly as fast, but never lose sight of the fact that you put YOU first, right away. That is huge, and you will get through this with your love for yourself intact. Sending you love.
It's absolutely not too much to expect for someone to commit to you and I'm glad you dodged the bullet with him. Great job on that amazing hike though! Sounds super intense and much like your feelings at the time. Helped to give you momentum I'm sure! Thanks for writing! =))
Thank you for sharing this experience - my partner did just what you wish for at the end of the piece; they’ve turned back before it got messy. Painfully, it’s like they’ve run even when objectively, the relationship is fantastic. I’m getting my head around the fact that it doesn’t matter if every other aspect of the relationship is great, if he hasn’t worked out the commitment piece, little can be done. It seems like such a waste but I’m accepting my powerlessness in this situation (and going on a hike this afternoon!)
I’m sorry, Tiff. What should have been your going off to embark on an amazing adventure turned into the discovery of his breach of trust and lack of commitment. I suspect, with your ex, he either didn’t know at the earlier point or he did but hoped the feeling would go away. People often continue on in that instance because they want to see themselves as the person who can commit. At the point, though, where he was *thinking* about getting on Hinge, never mind actually going on there, it was time for him to talk instead of playing hooky behind your back to take the edge off his commitment and reclaim a false sense of control. And there was a point, even, before thinking about getting on Hinge where checking in with himself and talking to you would have been a wise move. He probably did the equivalent of thinking that it was too late to let your hike mates know you wanted out. The difference between you both is that you did see [the hike] through but you also talked about where your head was at and you didn’t essentially try to eff up and sabotage the hike.
Sorry to hear that happened to you. Rookie mistake on his part though! A classic example of the Region-Beta Paradox: 'You're better off when things are worse'. He should have turned around during the first hour.But then again, you would have probably blamed yourself...
"Something happens to you when you bend and shape yourself and suppress your own desires. A part of me had surrendered to the other person’s rhythm. I wanted more, but I’d seek clues that this was enough and that our relationship was progressing."
This hits. And it's so sneaky ... I think women, especially, are more susceptible to being the ones to bend and shape and suppress within the structure and dynamic of relationships (particularly romantic cisgendered, heterosexual ones). I find myself grappling with a similar struggle, that of not wanting to lose myself, in my own marriage—one that I'm currently working through independently and with my partner.
You can do ... and have done, and did! ... hard things. <3
I love this. Beautiful writing as ever and love the analogy with the hike and when to turn back.
(I am also absolutely raging on your behalf)
I'm so proud of how much you love yourself. Never lose yourself indeed. You've made the choice to put you first, to commit to you, to love YOU enough. Some people never do this, and you did it in a flash. I know working through tough feelings won't be nearly as fast, but never lose sight of the fact that you put YOU first, right away. That is huge, and you will get through this with your love for yourself intact. Sending you love.
It's absolutely not too much to expect for someone to commit to you and I'm glad you dodged the bullet with him. Great job on that amazing hike though! Sounds super intense and much like your feelings at the time. Helped to give you momentum I'm sure! Thanks for writing! =))
Thank you for sharing this experience - my partner did just what you wish for at the end of the piece; they’ve turned back before it got messy. Painfully, it’s like they’ve run even when objectively, the relationship is fantastic. I’m getting my head around the fact that it doesn’t matter if every other aspect of the relationship is great, if he hasn’t worked out the commitment piece, little can be done. It seems like such a waste but I’m accepting my powerlessness in this situation (and going on a hike this afternoon!)
I’m sorry, Tiff. What should have been your going off to embark on an amazing adventure turned into the discovery of his breach of trust and lack of commitment. I suspect, with your ex, he either didn’t know at the earlier point or he did but hoped the feeling would go away. People often continue on in that instance because they want to see themselves as the person who can commit. At the point, though, where he was *thinking* about getting on Hinge, never mind actually going on there, it was time for him to talk instead of playing hooky behind your back to take the edge off his commitment and reclaim a false sense of control. And there was a point, even, before thinking about getting on Hinge where checking in with himself and talking to you would have been a wise move. He probably did the equivalent of thinking that it was too late to let your hike mates know you wanted out. The difference between you both is that you did see [the hike] through but you also talked about where your head was at and you didn’t essentially try to eff up and sabotage the hike.
Sorry to hear that happened to you. Rookie mistake on his part though! A classic example of the Region-Beta Paradox: 'You're better off when things are worse'. He should have turned around during the first hour.But then again, you would have probably blamed yourself...