Tiff I say this with total honesty and conviction - everything you write resonates with me so much, and it was reading Tough Love that led me to eventually have the courage to change my own situation. I'm very much in a similar situation to you; single, no kids, late 30s, freelancing and mistress of my own destiny, and renting. Life is nothing like I thought it was 'supposed' to be, but like the wonderful other Lucy has articulated here, I'm so much more open to life's possibilities. I'm so glad there are people like us represented. This was exactly what I needed to read today. You always hit the nail on the head exactly when I need to hear it. You are very much not alone. We are a joyous, vibrant community.
Oh Lucy this is GORGEOUS and thank you for sharing. We're not alone, hooray! And what a joyful community it is and I'll take mistress of my own destiny anytime. Congratulations for having the courage to change your situation, too. Lots of love x
Hello Tiff. I hear you, and I'm sorry that you feel like this. In my own way, I get it. Thank you for being so honest - I really believe that if we can all be more open about the stuff that's going on for us, we'll better understand each other. I'm sure you'll get lots of private messages, but I want to say here that things will be OK. It's really hard to write about something difficult while you're 'in' it but doing so means you are brave, and I hope getting those words down, and feeling self-expressed, is helpful.
You are curious, you have talent, you are open and intelligent and all of these things come across in your post. You say: 'A novel about a girl who didn’t wear sunscreen when she should is hardly compelling,' but I disagree. What you are talking about is identity, the root of the soul, the search for understanding yourself. These things are universal and relatable. You already have the narrative details - the M&S food and the subtitles, all at the same time.
In my own way, I have been through this search. I am 46, and I felt what you are feeling about being an 'outsider' when I was 35. I am also 'building a life from a place I didn't think I'd be' (single and without kids), and I am fortunate that it is now a joyful one. Earlier this year, I was brave enough to write about it in the Guardian, in the hope that it would help other people, and I think it did. I am not 'fixed' and while I sometimes struggle with jealously and heartbreak, I am much more curious and open and accepting of and celebratory about myself now, more than ever.
I look forward to reading more about your journey, because I know you have so much more to say.
Oh wow Lucy thank you so much for this. How generous and kind! I need to digest this some more (and perhaps jotting notes for my suncream novel ;)) But I really appreciate this and feel held by you! Thank you for sharing your experience, too. It does help people! I believe it to be so xx
...Men are also annoying because they ask you: "Do we have food for dinner?" when you just came through the door after a day at work and they work from home. Also you do have food because you do the grocery and understand that there are set days in a week and there's always emergency pasta in the pantry. When they do shopping they buy two sausages and bread and think the pantry generates pasta automatically.
(sorry I am only halfway through the article but I really really needed to vent. I might add more as I go)
YAY for multiple passports! I am a dual citizen myself. One of my birth Country where my family and friends are, and one of my chosen Country. I like to think my vote counts as double, when it comes to politics. It makes me feel special.
Oh tiff I really feel for you. And this is a lovely, truthful piece of writing. And I think you’ve hit the nail on the head about your 30s. I found them really hard and I felt really lost. And I was on a slightly different path to the one you’re on so far, as I had my kids at 35 and 39. But I felt so lost anyway! London felt very isolating when it had been fun before. So many of my friends left and new ones left as well! I was really yearning for a sense of belonging. So hopefully this will be of some comfort in that you’re articulating feelings that just come at this age regardless of circumstance? Anyway. Keep the faith. you really never know what’s around the corner and you are very young and clearly very talented. You’ll find your way.x
Hey Alex thank you! Yes I was hoping it was relatable no matter what one's life looked like during this transitionary era of our lives. Thank you for your kind words - young and talented I'll take. Thank you ❤️
So many women resonated with this wonderful piece, and here is another one! Our 30s are brutal, primarily because of all these messages society feeds us. I, too, tried with all my might (and with the wrong guy) to build the life I desperately wanted. I divorced at 35, childless and confused in this brave new world of coward boys who run away from love as if it were the plague. Also, I'm a permanent foreigner too, left the home country 20 years ago, now in my 4th country I call home, sort of.
Most importantly, I realized something essential from reading your piece: I spent the past 7 years being *ashamed* of wanting love, of desiring romance and courtship, feeling like a teen who dreams of childish Disney romances. Why do immature, coward boys convince us that wanting to be chosen and romanced is lame, is... too much??!
The mix of not belonging fully + lonely living (albeit independent and strong) is a bitter cocktail to drink some days. Luckily we have writing to alchemize some of this...
Thank you and yes luckily we do. So upsetting that we're convinced to feel shame for our desires. Thank you for sharing your experience (love the term 'coward boys') - sending you lots of love and thank you for this wonderfully deep comment.
Gosh. Thank you for writing this Tiffany. I’m 32 and rebuilding post break up. In so many ways it feels like I’ve fallen off the right path as you describe. It’s so easy going along with what societal norms tell you even when you feel in your gut that things aren’t right. But I’m learning that being true to myself is so much more important than what my life looks like on the outside. Though yes - it takes a lot to hold on to that belief and it is often challenged by many situations where I feel I am the only one doing things differently. I keep a note in my purse that says ‘you’re not starting from scratch, you’re starting from experience’ - it’s a quote from somewhere (can’t remember where) but I think it’s so true x
Tiff, this strucks a cord to such an extent I can’t even start putting into words. I feel your words so deeply, it’s like you’ve taken a tour of my inner landscape and then described it to a tee.
Thank you for sharing this Tiff, it is indeed so brave and you're inspiring me to get back into my blog and share where I'm at, even though it's messy. I really do think a lot of people can relate, even if their situation isn't the same. I'm coming to the end of my 30s now and they have been really difficult and a big transition, even though I'm much more self assured than I was in my 20s. I too am not exactly where I thought I would be, even though those ambitions are different from yours. I think grieving it all is so important but to finally be getting to a place that Lucy M has described below - being the mistress of my destiny - is starting to feel really empowering. All the strife and grieving of my 30s has helped me to really whittle down what I ACTUALLY want from my life e.g., I got on the property ladder 2 years ago but with all the economic shit we're in I'm going to have to get off it again and go back to renting. But actually, now I've experienced it, I'm not even sure being on the ladder is something I really want that much. It's helped me realise, I want a home that feels like a sanctuary, and I'm not too bothered about what the method looks like. So, all this is to say hang in there, you're not alone, and through all the grief hopefully you will be able to nail down exactly what you want from life and I truly believe it will come to you. Lots of love and light xx
Yes Yes Yes, this is exactly it! The decade for working out what we truly want for ourselves. Thank you for your kind words and welcoming the love and light! It means a lot when people also share and can relate, so thank you xx
Tiff I say this with total honesty and conviction - everything you write resonates with me so much, and it was reading Tough Love that led me to eventually have the courage to change my own situation. I'm very much in a similar situation to you; single, no kids, late 30s, freelancing and mistress of my own destiny, and renting. Life is nothing like I thought it was 'supposed' to be, but like the wonderful other Lucy has articulated here, I'm so much more open to life's possibilities. I'm so glad there are people like us represented. This was exactly what I needed to read today. You always hit the nail on the head exactly when I need to hear it. You are very much not alone. We are a joyous, vibrant community.
Oh Lucy this is GORGEOUS and thank you for sharing. We're not alone, hooray! And what a joyful community it is and I'll take mistress of my own destiny anytime. Congratulations for having the courage to change your situation, too. Lots of love x
Hello Tiff. I hear you, and I'm sorry that you feel like this. In my own way, I get it. Thank you for being so honest - I really believe that if we can all be more open about the stuff that's going on for us, we'll better understand each other. I'm sure you'll get lots of private messages, but I want to say here that things will be OK. It's really hard to write about something difficult while you're 'in' it but doing so means you are brave, and I hope getting those words down, and feeling self-expressed, is helpful.
You are curious, you have talent, you are open and intelligent and all of these things come across in your post. You say: 'A novel about a girl who didn’t wear sunscreen when she should is hardly compelling,' but I disagree. What you are talking about is identity, the root of the soul, the search for understanding yourself. These things are universal and relatable. You already have the narrative details - the M&S food and the subtitles, all at the same time.
In my own way, I have been through this search. I am 46, and I felt what you are feeling about being an 'outsider' when I was 35. I am also 'building a life from a place I didn't think I'd be' (single and without kids), and I am fortunate that it is now a joyful one. Earlier this year, I was brave enough to write about it in the Guardian, in the hope that it would help other people, and I think it did. I am not 'fixed' and while I sometimes struggle with jealously and heartbreak, I am much more curious and open and accepting of and celebratory about myself now, more than ever.
I look forward to reading more about your journey, because I know you have so much more to say.
Oh wow Lucy thank you so much for this. How generous and kind! I need to digest this some more (and perhaps jotting notes for my suncream novel ;)) But I really appreciate this and feel held by you! Thank you for sharing your experience, too. It does help people! I believe it to be so xx
...Men are also annoying because they ask you: "Do we have food for dinner?" when you just came through the door after a day at work and they work from home. Also you do have food because you do the grocery and understand that there are set days in a week and there's always emergency pasta in the pantry. When they do shopping they buy two sausages and bread and think the pantry generates pasta automatically.
(sorry I am only halfway through the article but I really really needed to vent. I might add more as I go)
YAY for multiple passports! I am a dual citizen myself. One of my birth Country where my family and friends are, and one of my chosen Country. I like to think my vote counts as double, when it comes to politics. It makes me feel special.
Please, a novel about a subtitles, accents, sunscreen, and Marks & Spencer's food would be amazing.
And then you start a new paragraph and BAM fertility clock! Where is that novel already?!
Did you just address all my comments in the next paragraph like we should be besties? Italians (check), politics (check), thirties (check).
Hi, I'm Barbara, nice to meet you.
Haha thank you Barbara and hello!
1) so annoying and I really am enjoying this precious single time without such hassles and nuisances - def feels like borrowed time
2) we are special ;) and could be good spies
3) noted on the novel, let's hope the gatekeepers agree
4) oh fertility, sigh
5) and Italians, politics and thirties - what a list to share!!
Thank you xx
Oh tiff I really feel for you. And this is a lovely, truthful piece of writing. And I think you’ve hit the nail on the head about your 30s. I found them really hard and I felt really lost. And I was on a slightly different path to the one you’re on so far, as I had my kids at 35 and 39. But I felt so lost anyway! London felt very isolating when it had been fun before. So many of my friends left and new ones left as well! I was really yearning for a sense of belonging. So hopefully this will be of some comfort in that you’re articulating feelings that just come at this age regardless of circumstance? Anyway. Keep the faith. you really never know what’s around the corner and you are very young and clearly very talented. You’ll find your way.x
Hey Alex thank you! Yes I was hoping it was relatable no matter what one's life looked like during this transitionary era of our lives. Thank you for your kind words - young and talented I'll take. Thank you ❤️
So many women resonated with this wonderful piece, and here is another one! Our 30s are brutal, primarily because of all these messages society feeds us. I, too, tried with all my might (and with the wrong guy) to build the life I desperately wanted. I divorced at 35, childless and confused in this brave new world of coward boys who run away from love as if it were the plague. Also, I'm a permanent foreigner too, left the home country 20 years ago, now in my 4th country I call home, sort of.
Most importantly, I realized something essential from reading your piece: I spent the past 7 years being *ashamed* of wanting love, of desiring romance and courtship, feeling like a teen who dreams of childish Disney romances. Why do immature, coward boys convince us that wanting to be chosen and romanced is lame, is... too much??!
The mix of not belonging fully + lonely living (albeit independent and strong) is a bitter cocktail to drink some days. Luckily we have writing to alchemize some of this...
Thank you and yes luckily we do. So upsetting that we're convinced to feel shame for our desires. Thank you for sharing your experience (love the term 'coward boys') - sending you lots of love and thank you for this wonderfully deep comment.
Gosh. Thank you for writing this Tiffany. I’m 32 and rebuilding post break up. In so many ways it feels like I’ve fallen off the right path as you describe. It’s so easy going along with what societal norms tell you even when you feel in your gut that things aren’t right. But I’m learning that being true to myself is so much more important than what my life looks like on the outside. Though yes - it takes a lot to hold on to that belief and it is often challenged by many situations where I feel I am the only one doing things differently. I keep a note in my purse that says ‘you’re not starting from scratch, you’re starting from experience’ - it’s a quote from somewhere (can’t remember where) but I think it’s so true x
Omg that quote is everything thank you for sharing!! And yes staying true to oneself is key 🥹❤️
Tiff, this strucks a cord to such an extent I can’t even start putting into words. I feel your words so deeply, it’s like you’ve taken a tour of my inner landscape and then described it to a tee.
Awww ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for sharing this Tiff, it is indeed so brave and you're inspiring me to get back into my blog and share where I'm at, even though it's messy. I really do think a lot of people can relate, even if their situation isn't the same. I'm coming to the end of my 30s now and they have been really difficult and a big transition, even though I'm much more self assured than I was in my 20s. I too am not exactly where I thought I would be, even though those ambitions are different from yours. I think grieving it all is so important but to finally be getting to a place that Lucy M has described below - being the mistress of my destiny - is starting to feel really empowering. All the strife and grieving of my 30s has helped me to really whittle down what I ACTUALLY want from my life e.g., I got on the property ladder 2 years ago but with all the economic shit we're in I'm going to have to get off it again and go back to renting. But actually, now I've experienced it, I'm not even sure being on the ladder is something I really want that much. It's helped me realise, I want a home that feels like a sanctuary, and I'm not too bothered about what the method looks like. So, all this is to say hang in there, you're not alone, and through all the grief hopefully you will be able to nail down exactly what you want from life and I truly believe it will come to you. Lots of love and light xx
Yes Yes Yes, this is exactly it! The decade for working out what we truly want for ourselves. Thank you for your kind words and welcoming the love and light! It means a lot when people also share and can relate, so thank you xx