My therapist says it’s often like there are two people with her in the room. One person is a strong and confident leader, and the other is a sensitive wallflower. This is reflected in my skin’s conflicting reaction to the sun. My skin is delicate and burns easily, yet I tan and turn an olive colour in the sun, too. I tell the therapist I’m a Gemini (the twin star sign) but she doesn’t seem to find this explanation sufficient.
I’ve always existed in duality and a land of extremes. As a child, I’d be performing, centre stage and then be quiet and serious once I got home. In group situations, I either lead and take charge or passively kick back and go with the flow. I’m an ambivert: so I get my energy from being alone and from others. I love the dance floor as much as I love being on the sofa with a book. This can be confusing: the popularity of personality tests shows that we like to understand ourselves in simple terms.
I’ve tried to be just one thing instead of two and it left me with years of sunburn. I often need the palest shade of a brand’s foundation in winter months. However, in summer, I need a new foundation that’s a few shades darker. This is because one of my parents is from cloudy Ireland and the other is from sunny Cyprus. For so long, I focused on my sunny Mediterranean heritage. I still joke that I’m not built to tolerate British weather, ignoring the half of me that’s from a place where the weather is worse than England.
There are parts of ourselves we choose to lean into and others we deny. I love buying shoes. I say it’s because my Cypriot grandfather was a cobbler. My Irish grandfather sold cattle. I don’t go around saying I like cows because of my grandfather. I prefer kofte and halloumi over Irish potatoes, and would rather be on a sunny beach than on rainy farmland and drink wine over Guinness.
I look more Cypriot, my name is more Cypriot and I’ve spent far more time in Cyprus than Ireland. I wonder how differently I’d be perceived if I had straight hair and my grandmother’s maiden name. Would Tiffany Connolley joke that she wasn’t built to tolerate the sun?
Perhaps as I falsely wished I was someone who wouldn’t burn, I also tried to ignore my more delicate side. Neither sunburn nor being more sensitive are things society aspires us to be. However, the denial of my Irishness has led to multiple burns, just as the denial of my softer side has got me into emotional trouble. I must look after all parts of myself, even ones that I and society may not choose.
Sometimes I like being two people and accepting that means I can build my life to feed them both. My two jobs do this —I sit at home alone with my thoughts and write. I also have a sales job that means talking to people. I’d struggle with just one or the other.
Recently, I’ve gone one step further and started wearing sunscreen on my face, even on grey London days. The panicked preservation of youth I associate with daily sunscreen wearing I find tiresome, however it’s the one thing everyone from the dermatologists to the hippiest of facialists agree on. I’m not entirely sure why I started doing it, but in accepting all parts of my identity and the contradictions of my personality, I layer the SPF on.
With love,
Tiff x
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Hooray I'm not alone! What does the rising part of Gemini mean?
I think all would benefit from embracing our conflicts and contradictions 😊
I am a Gemini too and consider myself an extrovert but I also love alone time — and have that same group attitude (lead or go with the flow). Maybe I'm an ambivert, too. 🤔🙃 Thanks for sharing! 🥰