I often talk about the disappointing heartbreak side of dating, but there’s also the excruciating boredom involved in it, too. As I sat twitching on a chair yesterday, trying not to zone out as my date was telling me about his running schedule, I wondered if I should have tolerated the bad behaviour of the more thrilling guy who came before. Going after what you want is a painful process and at low points, the scarcity mindset always creeps in.
We’re particularly vulnerable to a scarcity mindset right now. The job market feels like a pointless place to enter and there isn’t the opportunity to meet new friends or love interests through spontaneous interactions in offices, conferences or parties. As summer draws to a close, we’re feeling itchy as we stare into the bottom of a barrel. Will there be a second wave? Will we go into another lockdown?
Whether it’s dating, work or friendships, a scarcity mindset leads us to tolerate bad behaviour. Scarcity mindset tells us that the change we want to make in our lives isn’t worth the effort or the boredom. It’s ironic that the scarcity mindset allows so much mediocrity to flourish. Our fear that there’s nothing better for us out there, or if there is, it’ll be too much work to find it, leads us to tolerate people and situations that don’t serve us and so bad managers and terrible partners and friends continue to operate.
I recently discovered the dating guru Matthew Hussey after a DM from a newsletter reader. Once I saw he talks a lot about abandoning scarcity mindset, I knew him and me were meant to be. I spent my weekend consuming his content and wishing I’d found him sooner. I was very excited yesterday when I got to use one of his text templates to a guy who’d cancelled on me for the second time. What would happen to these men if all women followed Hussey’s advice to not give more than you’re getting back? More exciting still, what would happen to toxic companies if they’re employees adopted an abundance mindset and simply… left?
An abundance mindset not only gives you a better life, but it can also be an act of rebellion that can bring everyone up. By raising the standards for yourself, you’re raising the standards for everyone. You’re doing the employee or woman who comes after you a favour by not tolerating bad behaviour from bad (or more often incompetent) people.
But before you fire off a resignation email 🖕 to your boss, let’s consider realism and how it’s different from fear. Fear means we do nothing, whereas realism is where we take a look at our situation and look at how we can change it within our current constraints. Pessimism can be a great tool for resilience, hope is nice but we won’t get anywhere if just decide to wait for external factors to change. So make a plan that works for now and if things improve and change, then great, make a new plan then.
The global situation may make change harder, but it’s not impossible and certainly not a reason to tolerate bad behaviour. As everyone’s mum always says: there are plenty more fish in the sea and that is still true today. Our world is still massive and it’s still full of people. There are people out there who are worthy of your time and attention and so I challenge you (and myself) to tolerate the boredom of trying to find them.
Liked this? Read Lonely in limbo, a piece I wrote about settling into life as it is now
The goss
This week, Anna and I sat down and had some real talk about our burnout and what we did about it. I talk honestly about my frustrations about some of my recent failures and also how I write letters to myself.
I was inspired by how to build resilience, which includes a fascinating anecdote about what we can learn from prisoners of war during the Vietnam War: “It’s best to be pessimistic about the actions of the world around you, but optimistic in your own ability to surmount those obstacles — outward pessimist, inward optimist.”
I’m also reading about the mythology of Karen and the awkward status of white women, Akala’s Natives: Race & Class in the Ruins of Empire and how our lockdown habits have fared, which includes a quote from me. I read this ages ago, but if any of today’s newsletter resonates, now might be a good time to read Affluenza. I also wrote to my imposter syndrome a while ago, but when I re-shared it, this happened 👇
@tiffphilippou Thank you so much for sharing. I've just posted an article on Medium after days of my inner critic telling me that I shouldn't post it because it was not good, pointless, boring, etc. etc. Your article sum up exactly why I decided to post it anyway 😊Love this! It’s part poem, part mantra, part rallying cry. Read it every day if you’ve been letting your gremlins get the better of youLean into your imposter syndrome. I wrote to mine over a year ago and I still come back to this all the time: https://t.co/Dd3gD4iBfT https://t.co/r2Zb7kExRKTiffany Philippou @tiffphilippouI’m Tiffany Philippou and I write about life and talk about work on the podcast Is This Working?
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