Totallyyyyy. Not that you need any stamps of approval on the system you’ve already found that works for you, but this is very similar to the therapeutic model, Internal Family Systems. Maybe you’ve already heard of it and if so, please just ignore me 🙃 but the idea is that we are made up of all these different parts and there are no bad parts of us (zero). They all have roles in our lives and are doing their best to protect us (sometimes, albeit, a bit misguided) and a lot of the work is doing exactly what you’re describing here. Having a bit of a chat with these parts, “Anxious part, I feel ya ripping through me today. What you got me for me? Lay it on me. What are you noticing?”
So glad you found this relationship to your anxiety. If you’re anything like me, it’s a game-changer.
This is such an interesting and important point. I too have read a lot of self help and wellness books. Your post - and the one about your breakup - reminded one of me in my twenties in a doomed long term relationship with the man I was living with. About three years in, I was horrible anxious and depressed (partly to do with him and partly to do with the MA I was trying to cram into my working life) - when I presented this, my authentic self to him, he effectively said, this isn't what I signed up for. And so, because I over valued stoicism, I zipped it all back up to become super woman again, and the relationship - which absolutely should have ended there when he showed me who he was - limped on for another three years.
I don't regret it - I just wasn't ready to learn what I needed to learn right then. To allow myself to be fully human, and to find another human who could love me exactly as I am. To do that, I needed to learn to love myself for all that first, and it took a while, and two more practice relationships, and then some therapy but I got there!
Like you, I am a worrier and I definitely need to soothe myself and remember that I can be hyper vigilant. But also like you, being sensitive to things means I am also like a tuning fork - and when something feels off, we can learn to listen and trust that. xxx
I’ve had “heart attack-y” anxiety since I was 9. It’s always trying to tell me something. It’s usually that I’m trying to hide something from -me. I know that feeling of wishing I’d listened to it sooner. I’m glad you listened to yours.
And that explanation of addiction as not pleasure but a taking away-of anxiety, depression-the “great repression?” Ooof. Yes. So good
Thank you. Yet again, I see so much of myself in what you share. It’s really only in my forties where the length and breadth of my anxiety and how much it’s driven my life became apparent to me, even though it now seems ludicrous that I wouldn’t have known that anxiety was the mainstay of my life. I’m all too familiar with anxiety letting me know that I am in a terrible relationship… and ignoring it.
An ex I worked with who also had a girlfriend was very gaslighty, jealous and controlling. I found myself defending myself against his insecurities. Then one night, at a work event, he really went in on me because he was convinced all the guys at work were trying to get with me. I left, he followed me, going on and on, and all of my anxiety that I didn’t know it was that converged and I had a panic attack. I collapsed on Shaftesbury Avenue. It was horrific. And then he escorted me to Piccadilly Circus and put me on the tube in the midst of the attack to find my way home alone. After that, each time he came anywhere near me trying to explain himself, anxiety would seize my body. I realised I had to tell him to beat it. When I looked back, my body had tried to warn me in a variety of ways and I’d refused to listen.
So as much as anxiety gets on my tits sometimes (I’m like you and also low-level, sometimes high-level angst about money), I also know it’s saved me more than a few times, so we’re buddies now, or at least endeavouring to be. When it shows up, I try to sit alongside it and get curious about what it wants. I also recognise that some of my anxiety is trauma. There are various things that help to soothe it. Cutting back on people pleasing has been the biggest game changer.
I love how you reframed your anxiety as a data point. Something to stay curious about and look at.
I was someone who would drown my anxiety with alcohol - spoiler alert. That didn’t end well nor did it quell the anxiety. It only amplified it hours later.
Thank you for writing this - it helps us who run anxious know we are not alone.
I've experienced depression and anxiety in the past but have been stable for the past 20 years, despite some challenging external times. I practice plenty of self-help but for me a tiny daily dose of the right medication (venlafaxine) has made the biggest difference.
I’ve struggled with trying to avoid my anxiety at all costs vs just sitting with it and trying to understand what it’s telling me. Very thoughtful discussion on why we try to avoid these feelings at all costs- thank you 😊
I've started listening to my anxiety too, and trying to understand it's intention rather than just the noise. It makes it easier to feel calmer when i'm not fighting part of myself.
Tiff, reading your words made me want to reach through the screen. You're brave for saying this, and it's so good to see how you have been able to ask your anxiety the right question! And, I guess, sweating and taking extra vitamin D is a lot better than meth? (awkward thumbs up). I'll repeat it, you have a special ability to connect to people via your words! And then these people (me) think you're best friends ;)
Gosh this spoke to me entirely ...having only acknowledged my own anxiety a little errr...late in life. I absolutely loved that segment from Ragged Grace too xo
This was so interesting Tiff - thank you. I was super anxious the year coming up to finding out my ex was cheating on me too. I really wished I had listened to my body and instincts more at that time.
Anxiety is our minds trying to make our lives more interesting than they are. It is just a ruse, like most of our lives. Enjoy your misery. It is free of any meaning.
Totallyyyyy. Not that you need any stamps of approval on the system you’ve already found that works for you, but this is very similar to the therapeutic model, Internal Family Systems. Maybe you’ve already heard of it and if so, please just ignore me 🙃 but the idea is that we are made up of all these different parts and there are no bad parts of us (zero). They all have roles in our lives and are doing their best to protect us (sometimes, albeit, a bit misguided) and a lot of the work is doing exactly what you’re describing here. Having a bit of a chat with these parts, “Anxious part, I feel ya ripping through me today. What you got me for me? Lay it on me. What are you noticing?”
So glad you found this relationship to your anxiety. If you’re anything like me, it’s a game-changer.
This is such an interesting and important point. I too have read a lot of self help and wellness books. Your post - and the one about your breakup - reminded one of me in my twenties in a doomed long term relationship with the man I was living with. About three years in, I was horrible anxious and depressed (partly to do with him and partly to do with the MA I was trying to cram into my working life) - when I presented this, my authentic self to him, he effectively said, this isn't what I signed up for. And so, because I over valued stoicism, I zipped it all back up to become super woman again, and the relationship - which absolutely should have ended there when he showed me who he was - limped on for another three years.
I don't regret it - I just wasn't ready to learn what I needed to learn right then. To allow myself to be fully human, and to find another human who could love me exactly as I am. To do that, I needed to learn to love myself for all that first, and it took a while, and two more practice relationships, and then some therapy but I got there!
Like you, I am a worrier and I definitely need to soothe myself and remember that I can be hyper vigilant. But also like you, being sensitive to things means I am also like a tuning fork - and when something feels off, we can learn to listen and trust that. xxx
I’ve had “heart attack-y” anxiety since I was 9. It’s always trying to tell me something. It’s usually that I’m trying to hide something from -me. I know that feeling of wishing I’d listened to it sooner. I’m glad you listened to yours.
And that explanation of addiction as not pleasure but a taking away-of anxiety, depression-the “great repression?” Ooof. Yes. So good
Thank you. Yet again, I see so much of myself in what you share. It’s really only in my forties where the length and breadth of my anxiety and how much it’s driven my life became apparent to me, even though it now seems ludicrous that I wouldn’t have known that anxiety was the mainstay of my life. I’m all too familiar with anxiety letting me know that I am in a terrible relationship… and ignoring it.
An ex I worked with who also had a girlfriend was very gaslighty, jealous and controlling. I found myself defending myself against his insecurities. Then one night, at a work event, he really went in on me because he was convinced all the guys at work were trying to get with me. I left, he followed me, going on and on, and all of my anxiety that I didn’t know it was that converged and I had a panic attack. I collapsed on Shaftesbury Avenue. It was horrific. And then he escorted me to Piccadilly Circus and put me on the tube in the midst of the attack to find my way home alone. After that, each time he came anywhere near me trying to explain himself, anxiety would seize my body. I realised I had to tell him to beat it. When I looked back, my body had tried to warn me in a variety of ways and I’d refused to listen.
So as much as anxiety gets on my tits sometimes (I’m like you and also low-level, sometimes high-level angst about money), I also know it’s saved me more than a few times, so we’re buddies now, or at least endeavouring to be. When it shows up, I try to sit alongside it and get curious about what it wants. I also recognise that some of my anxiety is trauma. There are various things that help to soothe it. Cutting back on people pleasing has been the biggest game changer.
I love how you reframed your anxiety as a data point. Something to stay curious about and look at.
I was someone who would drown my anxiety with alcohol - spoiler alert. That didn’t end well nor did it quell the anxiety. It only amplified it hours later.
Thank you for writing this - it helps us who run anxious know we are not alone.
I've experienced depression and anxiety in the past but have been stable for the past 20 years, despite some challenging external times. I practice plenty of self-help but for me a tiny daily dose of the right medication (venlafaxine) has made the biggest difference.
I’ve struggled with trying to avoid my anxiety at all costs vs just sitting with it and trying to understand what it’s telling me. Very thoughtful discussion on why we try to avoid these feelings at all costs- thank you 😊
I've started listening to my anxiety too, and trying to understand it's intention rather than just the noise. It makes it easier to feel calmer when i'm not fighting part of myself.
Tiff, reading your words made me want to reach through the screen. You're brave for saying this, and it's so good to see how you have been able to ask your anxiety the right question! And, I guess, sweating and taking extra vitamin D is a lot better than meth? (awkward thumbs up). I'll repeat it, you have a special ability to connect to people via your words! And then these people (me) think you're best friends ;)
Gosh this spoke to me entirely ...having only acknowledged my own anxiety a little errr...late in life. I absolutely loved that segment from Ragged Grace too xo
This was so interesting Tiff - thank you. I was super anxious the year coming up to finding out my ex was cheating on me too. I really wished I had listened to my body and instincts more at that time.
Anxiety is our minds trying to make our lives more interesting than they are. It is just a ruse, like most of our lives. Enjoy your misery. It is free of any meaning.