Totallyyyyy. Not that you need any stamps of approval on the system you’ve already found that works for you, but this is very similar to the therapeutic model, Internal Family Systems. Maybe you’ve already heard of it and if so, please just ignore me 🙃 but the idea is that we are made up of all these different parts and there are no bad parts of us (zero). They all have roles in our lives and are doing their best to protect us (sometimes, albeit, a bit misguided) and a lot of the work is doing exactly what you’re describing here. Having a bit of a chat with these parts, “Anxious part, I feel ya ripping through me today. What you got me for me? Lay it on me. What are you noticing?”
So glad you found this relationship to your anxiety. If you’re anything like me, it’s a game-changer.
Oh wow Kaitlyn, I wasn't aware of this framework but that is sort of what I was doing/ thinking in an unofficial way. That's helpful to see it laid out like this. I've spent so many years trying to just be positive and putting all 'negative' emotions away and it just doesn't work. I love those questions to ask it too. Thank you!
Oh I’m so glad!! It’s been the only thing I’ve found that actually lands and brings some peace within.
And also, how could you not try to put all the “negatives” away? It’s so baked into how things are and have been. It’s radical in a lot of ways to make space for it all. Although I will say, the person who formulated IFS often talks of how this has shown up in spiritual traditions forever—the idea that we are made up of many things. Not just one unitary, static being.
Anyway, so happy I could add to this discussion in a way 🧡
This is such an interesting and important point. I too have read a lot of self help and wellness books. Your post - and the one about your breakup - reminded one of me in my twenties in a doomed long term relationship with the man I was living with. About three years in, I was horrible anxious and depressed (partly to do with him and partly to do with the MA I was trying to cram into my working life) - when I presented this, my authentic self to him, he effectively said, this isn't what I signed up for. And so, because I over valued stoicism, I zipped it all back up to become super woman again, and the relationship - which absolutely should have ended there when he showed me who he was - limped on for another three years.
I don't regret it - I just wasn't ready to learn what I needed to learn right then. To allow myself to be fully human, and to find another human who could love me exactly as I am. To do that, I needed to learn to love myself for all that first, and it took a while, and two more practice relationships, and then some therapy but I got there!
Like you, I am a worrier and I definitely need to soothe myself and remember that I can be hyper vigilant. But also like you, being sensitive to things means I am also like a tuning fork - and when something feels off, we can learn to listen and trust that. xxx
I’ve had “heart attack-y” anxiety since I was 9. It’s always trying to tell me something. It’s usually that I’m trying to hide something from -me. I know that feeling of wishing I’d listened to it sooner. I’m glad you listened to yours.
And that explanation of addiction as not pleasure but a taking away-of anxiety, depression-the “great repression?” Ooof. Yes. So good
Yes so helpful as a framework for understanding addiction.
That's rough to have that level of anxiety for so long but thank you for sharing and that's good to know that you too feel that it's trying to tell you something. Big love x
Thank you. Yet again, I see so much of myself in what you share. It’s really only in my forties where the length and breadth of my anxiety and how much it’s driven my life became apparent to me, even though it now seems ludicrous that I wouldn’t have known that anxiety was the mainstay of my life. I’m all too familiar with anxiety letting me know that I am in a terrible relationship… and ignoring it.
An ex I worked with who also had a girlfriend was very gaslighty, jealous and controlling. I found myself defending myself against his insecurities. Then one night, at a work event, he really went in on me because he was convinced all the guys at work were trying to get with me. I left, he followed me, going on and on, and all of my anxiety that I didn’t know it was that converged and I had a panic attack. I collapsed on Shaftesbury Avenue. It was horrific. And then he escorted me to Piccadilly Circus and put me on the tube in the midst of the attack to find my way home alone. After that, each time he came anywhere near me trying to explain himself, anxiety would seize my body. I realised I had to tell him to beat it. When I looked back, my body had tried to warn me in a variety of ways and I’d refused to listen.
So as much as anxiety gets on my tits sometimes (I’m like you and also low-level, sometimes high-level angst about money), I also know it’s saved me more than a few times, so we’re buddies now, or at least endeavouring to be. When it shows up, I try to sit alongside it and get curious about what it wants. I also recognise that some of my anxiety is trauma. There are various things that help to soothe it. Cutting back on people pleasing has been the biggest game changer.
This story! Thank you for sharing (oh how I wish I could track down that ex and give him a piece of my mind!) Anxiety as a buddy we're curious about really is it. This is all quite new for me so thank you for sharing your experience. I definitely have some lingering trauma related anxiety as well so it's also finding the balance of what's a real vs. perceived threat but even that buddy-like curiosity can help. And yes oh people pleasing - didn't think I was one then learning that I very much have some tendancies. Thank you for your work!
I love how you reframed your anxiety as a data point. Something to stay curious about and look at.
I was someone who would drown my anxiety with alcohol - spoiler alert. That didn’t end well nor did it quell the anxiety. It only amplified it hours later.
Thank you for writing this - it helps us who run anxious know we are not alone.
I've experienced depression and anxiety in the past but have been stable for the past 20 years, despite some challenging external times. I practice plenty of self-help but for me a tiny daily dose of the right medication (venlafaxine) has made the biggest difference.
PS I've found the "Face, accept, float, let time pass" method of Dr Claire Weeks the most helpful in dealing with anxiety when I've experienced it in the past. Agony aunt Virginia Ironside once said her desk was groaning under the weight of people writing to tell her how Claire Weekes had virtually cured their anxiety.
I’ve struggled with trying to avoid my anxiety at all costs vs just sitting with it and trying to understand what it’s telling me. Very thoughtful discussion on why we try to avoid these feelings at all costs- thank you 😊
I've started listening to my anxiety too, and trying to understand it's intention rather than just the noise. It makes it easier to feel calmer when i'm not fighting part of myself.
Tiff, reading your words made me want to reach through the screen. You're brave for saying this, and it's so good to see how you have been able to ask your anxiety the right question! And, I guess, sweating and taking extra vitamin D is a lot better than meth? (awkward thumbs up). I'll repeat it, you have a special ability to connect to people via your words! And then these people (me) think you're best friends ;)
BARBS that's lovely to hear. I always want to hear my words hit the spot so making my day! And yes, I'm not quitting that sauna or changing those Vit D. levels anytime soon but once I stop wrestling my anxiety away it seems to float off when it's good and ready. Big love and thanks for your support as always x
Gosh this spoke to me entirely ...having only acknowledged my own anxiety a little errr...late in life. I absolutely loved that segment from Ragged Grace too xo
This was so interesting Tiff - thank you. I was super anxious the year coming up to finding out my ex was cheating on me too. I really wished I had listened to my body and instincts more at that time.
Anxiety is our minds trying to make our lives more interesting than they are. It is just a ruse, like most of our lives. Enjoy your misery. It is free of any meaning.
Totallyyyyy. Not that you need any stamps of approval on the system you’ve already found that works for you, but this is very similar to the therapeutic model, Internal Family Systems. Maybe you’ve already heard of it and if so, please just ignore me 🙃 but the idea is that we are made up of all these different parts and there are no bad parts of us (zero). They all have roles in our lives and are doing their best to protect us (sometimes, albeit, a bit misguided) and a lot of the work is doing exactly what you’re describing here. Having a bit of a chat with these parts, “Anxious part, I feel ya ripping through me today. What you got me for me? Lay it on me. What are you noticing?”
So glad you found this relationship to your anxiety. If you’re anything like me, it’s a game-changer.
Oh wow Kaitlyn, I wasn't aware of this framework but that is sort of what I was doing/ thinking in an unofficial way. That's helpful to see it laid out like this. I've spent so many years trying to just be positive and putting all 'negative' emotions away and it just doesn't work. I love those questions to ask it too. Thank you!
Oh I’m so glad!! It’s been the only thing I’ve found that actually lands and brings some peace within.
And also, how could you not try to put all the “negatives” away? It’s so baked into how things are and have been. It’s radical in a lot of ways to make space for it all. Although I will say, the person who formulated IFS often talks of how this has shown up in spiritual traditions forever—the idea that we are made up of many things. Not just one unitary, static being.
Anyway, so happy I could add to this discussion in a way 🧡
So happy you did too 💙 and yes noted re spiritual traditions, so true - always a part of being human
This is such an interesting and important point. I too have read a lot of self help and wellness books. Your post - and the one about your breakup - reminded one of me in my twenties in a doomed long term relationship with the man I was living with. About three years in, I was horrible anxious and depressed (partly to do with him and partly to do with the MA I was trying to cram into my working life) - when I presented this, my authentic self to him, he effectively said, this isn't what I signed up for. And so, because I over valued stoicism, I zipped it all back up to become super woman again, and the relationship - which absolutely should have ended there when he showed me who he was - limped on for another three years.
I don't regret it - I just wasn't ready to learn what I needed to learn right then. To allow myself to be fully human, and to find another human who could love me exactly as I am. To do that, I needed to learn to love myself for all that first, and it took a while, and two more practice relationships, and then some therapy but I got there!
Like you, I am a worrier and I definitely need to soothe myself and remember that I can be hyper vigilant. But also like you, being sensitive to things means I am also like a tuning fork - and when something feels off, we can learn to listen and trust that. xxx
Oh my gosh - overvaluing stoicism - right there with you. Thank you for sharing and delighted to hear I'm not alone with my worries. xxx
I’ve had “heart attack-y” anxiety since I was 9. It’s always trying to tell me something. It’s usually that I’m trying to hide something from -me. I know that feeling of wishing I’d listened to it sooner. I’m glad you listened to yours.
And that explanation of addiction as not pleasure but a taking away-of anxiety, depression-the “great repression?” Ooof. Yes. So good
Yes so helpful as a framework for understanding addiction.
That's rough to have that level of anxiety for so long but thank you for sharing and that's good to know that you too feel that it's trying to tell you something. Big love x
Thank you. Yet again, I see so much of myself in what you share. It’s really only in my forties where the length and breadth of my anxiety and how much it’s driven my life became apparent to me, even though it now seems ludicrous that I wouldn’t have known that anxiety was the mainstay of my life. I’m all too familiar with anxiety letting me know that I am in a terrible relationship… and ignoring it.
An ex I worked with who also had a girlfriend was very gaslighty, jealous and controlling. I found myself defending myself against his insecurities. Then one night, at a work event, he really went in on me because he was convinced all the guys at work were trying to get with me. I left, he followed me, going on and on, and all of my anxiety that I didn’t know it was that converged and I had a panic attack. I collapsed on Shaftesbury Avenue. It was horrific. And then he escorted me to Piccadilly Circus and put me on the tube in the midst of the attack to find my way home alone. After that, each time he came anywhere near me trying to explain himself, anxiety would seize my body. I realised I had to tell him to beat it. When I looked back, my body had tried to warn me in a variety of ways and I’d refused to listen.
So as much as anxiety gets on my tits sometimes (I’m like you and also low-level, sometimes high-level angst about money), I also know it’s saved me more than a few times, so we’re buddies now, or at least endeavouring to be. When it shows up, I try to sit alongside it and get curious about what it wants. I also recognise that some of my anxiety is trauma. There are various things that help to soothe it. Cutting back on people pleasing has been the biggest game changer.
This story! Thank you for sharing (oh how I wish I could track down that ex and give him a piece of my mind!) Anxiety as a buddy we're curious about really is it. This is all quite new for me so thank you for sharing your experience. I definitely have some lingering trauma related anxiety as well so it's also finding the balance of what's a real vs. perceived threat but even that buddy-like curiosity can help. And yes oh people pleasing - didn't think I was one then learning that I very much have some tendancies. Thank you for your work!
I love how you reframed your anxiety as a data point. Something to stay curious about and look at.
I was someone who would drown my anxiety with alcohol - spoiler alert. That didn’t end well nor did it quell the anxiety. It only amplified it hours later.
Thank you for writing this - it helps us who run anxious know we are not alone.
We are *not* alone and me too, me too on the alcohol. Sending love. Stay curious 🥰
I've experienced depression and anxiety in the past but have been stable for the past 20 years, despite some challenging external times. I practice plenty of self-help but for me a tiny daily dose of the right medication (venlafaxine) has made the biggest difference.
PS I've found the "Face, accept, float, let time pass" method of Dr Claire Weeks the most helpful in dealing with anxiety when I've experienced it in the past. Agony aunt Virginia Ironside once said her desk was groaning under the weight of people writing to tell her how Claire Weekes had virtually cured their anxiety.
Hasn't heard of Claire Weeks! Does sound good and glad to hear you've found methods that work for you 💕
I’ve struggled with trying to avoid my anxiety at all costs vs just sitting with it and trying to understand what it’s telling me. Very thoughtful discussion on why we try to avoid these feelings at all costs- thank you 😊
Thank you Jeanine and I hope you took something from this. I certainly did from gathering my thoughts for this newsletter. Big love x
I've started listening to my anxiety too, and trying to understand it's intention rather than just the noise. It makes it easier to feel calmer when i'm not fighting part of myself.
YES! That's it! Ironically it calms us to not fight it off. How funny us humans are. x
Tiff, reading your words made me want to reach through the screen. You're brave for saying this, and it's so good to see how you have been able to ask your anxiety the right question! And, I guess, sweating and taking extra vitamin D is a lot better than meth? (awkward thumbs up). I'll repeat it, you have a special ability to connect to people via your words! And then these people (me) think you're best friends ;)
BARBS that's lovely to hear. I always want to hear my words hit the spot so making my day! And yes, I'm not quitting that sauna or changing those Vit D. levels anytime soon but once I stop wrestling my anxiety away it seems to float off when it's good and ready. Big love and thanks for your support as always x
Gosh this spoke to me entirely ...having only acknowledged my own anxiety a little errr...late in life. I absolutely loved that segment from Ragged Grace too xo
So grateful to you for bringing that into my life!
This was so interesting Tiff - thank you. I was super anxious the year coming up to finding out my ex was cheating on me too. I really wished I had listened to my body and instincts more at that time.
Oh wow, so not just me. Thank you for sharing and we know for next time. F the cheaters!! Sending love xx
Anxiety is our minds trying to make our lives more interesting than they are. It is just a ruse, like most of our lives. Enjoy your misery. It is free of any meaning.
❤️🧡🥰