Bumping Into My Ex on London Fields

We're strangers to each other now

11 months ago, I caught my boyfriend cheating on dating apps. You can read the full story here.

Walking past the man that hurt me

My ex lives on one side of London Fields and I live on the other. Every time I leave the house, I risk bumping into him and it happened for the third time since our break-up last Sunday.

London Fields has been the centre stage for so many moments of our relationship. It’s where I sat on a bench and realised I was with a man who couldn’t commit. It’s where, two years later, free of him and that anxiety, I carried my Christmas tree home: my proud symbol that I no longer shrink myself for men. 

London Fields has always held a special place in my heart. In my twenties, we’d flock there in a large group to hang out with our hangovers. Back then, I thought it was the coolest place in the world and part of me still does. At the slightest sign of good weather, the place comes alive and in summer, every day on London Fields is a party. Day to day, the park hosts the diverse range of residents (and pets) that call Hackney home. It’s actually quite ugly, yet it wins on vibes. There’s no other London park quite like it.

My ex did live here first. I spent so much time in the area over the last three years. First as a visitor, then as a cohabitating couple and now I live alone in the flat we once shared.

I returned from an incredibly mind-expanding and joyful Arvon writing retreat on Saturday and was spending Sunday processing it all and readjusting to being back to normal life. On Sunday afternoon, I went for a short walk, and as I was walking across London Fields, I felt him coming towards me. Every time I leave the house, I worry about this moment and here it was. 

Last time, I saw my ex holding hands with a woman and it took me a few days to recover from it. This time, as he cycled slowly towards me, my chest didn’t tighten. I kept breathing, my body stayed calm and I looked ahead. I briefly turned my head and we locked eyes as he cycled passed. I kept walking and then he was gone.

I didn’t look back. 

Seeing him in the flesh was weird. He’s become like a fictional character in my head. I’ve told so many stories about him and I wondered if he’s read any of them. The betrayal of what he did still stings. He wanted us to have a good relationship after the break-up and I told him that a good relationship is something that is earned, not demanded.

I’m glad I kept walking.

Once I returned to the flat we once lived in together, memories of him being in the space came back to me and I felt flooded with sadness. I loved visiting the flat in our early stages of dating when he’d cook and look after me. I recalled when we popped open a bottle of champagne to celebrate the first night I moved in. I looked at the bed we’d get into together night after night. Now, we pass each other as strangers. 

I noticed when I walked past him that day that he was riding a different bike from the one he had when we were together. He was always careless with his possessions. He’d had two bikes stolen during the time I’d known him and while bike theft is inevitable in London, both times his bikes were stolen because he didn’t lock them. He’d only buy cheap things because he knew he’d lose them. His sunglasses would have scratches all over them from being thrown around. 

I am the opposite and take great care of my things. I’ve had the same bike for over ten years. I rarely lose items and can cling on to them anxiously, sometimes to a fault. I need to learn to let things go. Or to accept, that my sunglasses will never be misplaced, so it’s ok to buy myself a new pair if I want them to change.

My ex will be catalogued alongside my other exes who are strangers to me now. He’ll live on as an anecdote among my many other life experiences. London Fields will continue to be the centre stage of my relationship, although now it’s the one I have with myself.

With love, 

Tiff x

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