Reclaiming My Regret for Not Leaving Him Sooner
On my 33rd birthday, I was an idiot waiting on a bench. But perhaps our story needed to happen that way for me to truly learn from it
Seven months ago, I caught my boyfriend cheating on dating apps. You can read the full story here.
On the 9th of June 2021, I was sitting on a bench in London Fields, asking myself how I could be so stupid. It was my 33rd birthday, and I’d been waiting for forty minutes for a man who, after nine months of being together, wouldn’t call me his girlfriend.
This is a story about regret.
He wasn’t usually late. I’d been so excited: it was my first birthday in a while that I had a man to take me out for dinner. I’d put time and care into my outfit. It wasn’t perfect, but I was happy turning 33 with him.
As time slipped by and I waited on that bench, the spell broke. I chastised myself for waiting for a man who couldn’t commit, a man who’d chosen my birthday to make the point that I couldn’t rely on him. I counted the months since we’d met and wondered how so much time had passed. We still felt so fragile and new.
When he finally arrived, he wasn’t particularly apologetic and we had a rubbish evening. I thought of so many ways he could have made it up to me for being late and he did none of them.
Once we returned to his flat, I dumped him.
He kept saying he wasn’t expecting it and asked how I could do this to him on my birthday. I calmly told him that it was my birthday and I’ll ruin it if I want to.
I’d been telling my flatmate for months that I needed to end this non-relationship. I’d been so enjoying the present moment that time kept passing and I kept doing nothing about it. I told myself all sorts of stories to justify my hanging on. He also participated in the fantasy that maybe we were on the path that I wanted. For months, I brushed problems under the carpet, supressed my desires and patiently waited for change, while also knowing it was never going to happen. I knew this ending was coming and while I waited on the bench that evening, it was the slap in the face to get on with it.
I woke up at 5am and got out of his bed. I went to the bathroom and splashed water on my face. With a flair for drama, I walked around his flat to say goodbye to it. I got on my bike and cycled away in the early morning light. I pushed my pedals on the quiet streets of Islington and imagined the newsletter I’d write: the one about how I knew life was too short.
When I got home I wrote: love is a choice and he didn’t make it.
In the days after the break-up, I was…fine. I ranted to friends that I was worth more than he was offering and they nodded in agreement. I went to therapy and my therapist pointed out that I didn’t seem heartbroken. I threw an excellent birthday party and he wasn’t mentioned throughout the celebrations.
And then he told me he wanted to meet up.
And that’s where I made a mistake.
My empowered anger melted into a sad confusion. I still had hope. I wanted to hear him out.
We can drive ourselves mad with moments of regret and I keep replaying what was said when we met up versus what I chose to hear. He gave evidence that he took us seriously, such as how he’d bought a second motorcycle helmet and he argued that we were good together. He wasn’t offering what I wanted. He didn’t say: I love you, I want to be with you and for us to build a life together. He said that I could ride on the back of his motorbike.
I told him he was asking me to take a risk and that I needed to go home and think about it.
I knew I was going to say yes.
In the days that followed, I lost my chance to walk away from him at 33. I’d then lose two more years of my life to him. Being with someone who doesn’t want to lose you, but doesn’t want to commit to you either, can slowly drive you mad. It chips away at your self-esteem, resentment can build and you get trapped in a sunk-cost fallacy cycle, still holding onto hope of change, until one day, you catch him cheating. The pain that followed when we finally broke up this year felt 10,000 times more awful than if I’d stayed away from him in 2021.
Time and regret are so often intertwined and I regret the time wasted and the suffering it caused.
He didn’t say: I love you, I want to be with you and for us to build a life together. He said that I could ride on the back of his motorbike.
The 9th of June 2021 wasn’t my only chance to leave. Almost in six month cycles, we had a big explosion which would be a variation on the same theme of his lack of commitment. Each one of these was a plot point and our relationship followed the five-act structure, which finally came to a resolution when I caught him cheating earlier this year.
But perhaps our story needed to happen that way for me to truly learn from it. If I’d left in 2021, I’d have missed out on a lot of the hurt I’ve suffered this year. However, what’s wrong with getting hurt aside from the fact it’s an unpleasant experience? There’s something magical in coming out the other side of pain and like a phoenix rising out of the ashes, I’m not the same person I was before. I’m no longer the girl who sat on the bench waiting for a man who wouldn’t commit on her birthday.
Perhaps the pain of regret is part of the learning process. Regret is an opportunity for us to take responsibility for what happens to us and acknowledge that if we’d done something differently, it would have led to a different outcome. I’m frustrated and comforted by the fact that I always knew he wasn’t going to change and yet I hung on. The girl on the bench wasn’t an idiot, she just hadn’t had the life experience to know better. She had a generosity of spirit and an optimism that isn’t a character flaw, but was just placed on the wrong person. I welcome the mistakes I’ve made and look forward to making new ones.
And besides, if I’d left sooner, this newsletter wouldn’t have been called Tough Love.
With love,
Tiff x
Do you have similar moments of regret? What’s your relationship with regret like? Let me know in the comments.
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Love to the girl on the bench and the girl she is now❤️
Tiffany, It is his problem he lost a beautiful woman. Because it was your birthday it was a gift to you to dump him. You are a gorgeous woman who deserves someone who truly appreciates you. All he wanted was to have things both ways and if that is not what your goal is then he should be by himself. Let yourself find someone that deserves you and your beauty and personality. You are correct he will never change and I feel sorry for the next woman he is with, Live your life the way you want it is yours to have and enjoy, We only go around once in this world and you should accept what is best for you not live someone else's life so they enjoy it and you are frustrated and upset with it. You will never find someone perfecr but as long as they cherish you and adore you and treat you as the woman you are that is all that matters.